I'm not sure where this feeling come from. I just know that I don't have any extra will or anything to force myself to do anything useful. Even if in the last few days I have lots of thing to be grateful for. This is the story. How God is really being nice to me.

I have using my credit card too much last month. And to pay it I will have to spend all of my salary for this month. That's mean if I do pay my credit card I won't have money for food, bills etc. Of course I can pay the minimum and pay the rest next month. But that's not the way I use my credit card so far. Once I do that and I regret my decision at that time. With this in mind we (me and my wife) see my salary this month. Its not ours any longer, its for MasterCard. And I have told my wife that she don't need to worry about that, since we'll calculate all teh bills and such and use the rest of my salary to pay our credit card.

Worst is that we'll hold ourselves from using the credit card for this month and live with less expenditure compared to the last month. Beside its our own fault and this isn't so bad actually. Lots of people facing worse problem than us.

So last saturday we go to the ATM to take some money left there. And surprised that I receive almost twice of the usual salary. Somehow I get a raise. usually we got our salary raised at the beginnign of the new year. So its really a surprised for me. Never I expect this.

Now I can pay all the credit card bills (keep my record at using credit card clean) and still have some money left to buy things. And some people who buy shirts and bed cover to my wife in credit also paid in the last weekend. We do have more than we could ever expect that day.

As you probably have seen from my productivity in producing webcomic that I have lost my spirit in the last few days. I miss the tuesday and now miss the friday and not even yet do the next tuesday at this time. If you have know before that I have some financial problem you might think that those are the reason. My wife thought that was the reason and felt guilty for the last few days.

So this salarry raise should lift up my spirit. But lo, no its not raise my spirit. I do grateful for it and I do have lots of other reason to be grateful in this life. But somehow I just don't find the passion I have to draw or to work diligently at work. I don't have any passion to chase any of my dreams. I just don't know.

Maybe its part of the RA I have that seem to attack me again lately. That I don't feel like to get up in the morning. I feel exhausted at the end of the day. Maybe its because my left eye still blurred (its getting better actually, no more pain and I don't feel so sore anymore when I use it to read). Or maybe somehow I lost this believe that if you keep working on your dream someday you'll finally reach your dream and get this picture that everything I do will falling apart and fail.

I don't know my guess is that I just some lazy as!@$##$ and need to be whipped to keep move on. Don't know if its work but this morning I force myself to get up early, wash last night dishes and fry some thing for breakfast. And now I'll force myself to do something useful at work.

Thanks for anyone who read this piece of s#!@.

I have cancelled my credit cards for almost a year after I found out a direct selling company was exploiting its loophole to charge me every month.

Many people 'thought', they can control themselves but the reality has proven that many people couldn't and some had fallen prey to unscrupulous business tactics like me.

I am now credit card free. In a way, I am FREE from troubles.